Soul Searching in 1 BR Apartments

I sat on the patio of a café on Pearl Street in Boulder, Colorado when I was 21 years old. It was Spring Break and I had just recovered from a failed ocean escape to the farthest college South I could find that forced my long term boyfriend to body surf alongside me. My heart felt heavy that day because I knew that one day I would have to live in this state- and particularly that town. It seemed so far away and impossible. 

This week, I started my first week as yoga studio manager in Boulder, Colorado. 

The “work” aspect of my job has been coming along great. I will be supported, challenged, motivated and forced to brilliance. The “lifestyle” aspect of my job has been moving along like my heavy heart when I left Colorado that year of 21. I’ve been apartment searching.

Apartment searching is a form of cruel and unusual punishment that causes you to evaluate every portion of your life from your monetary success to your social life to your ability to care for another individual. In this case, this individual being Montego the cat. I have been battling with rent prices, my desire to live alone, my yearning for my Monday-Sunday social life in Minnesota and my need to step into my new abode and look at my 21 year old self and say, “see, Chels. We did it.”

I’ve heard a lot of inspiring chatter since I’ve been in this town which has eased my living situation anxiety. I’m working in a college town, so naturally many relationships are on the rocks. Just yesterday, someone at my front desk in their early 20’s said that he is so lucky to even have a lover in this world, however, she needed to go off and travel the world and experience things differently. Now he recognizes that everywhere he goes there are new friends to be had. Please baby, teach me something. 

Just yesterday one of my co-workers reminisced about her 30^th birthday this past weekend. She said this birthday was a high for her because she is no where she expected to be at 30. Oh, I know all about this. 25, I was going to be running my own business, married with a couple pets and making dinner while dancing to reggae music with my wildly spirited lover. Damn, that still sounds good but my point here is- my coworker said, “Thank God I’m not where I thought I would be when I turned 30.” 

Yes, thank god we aren’t where we thought we’d be because although I’ve landed in Boulder, Colorado and I am inspired with every step I take, there are new friends to be had everywhere I go. If I was where I thought I would be, then I certainly wouldn’t be where I am now. Where are you now readers? Let that be enough. 

An old, dear friend told me the other day that he missed highschool. The simplicity. The carefree lovers. The unanswered ventures. I said honey, now you have a checklist for all the things you will look for today. Don’t count on anyone else. The time is now.  

The tide hides the scars of the sand and so will it hide mine.

My life changed last August at a wedding on a rainy day. There was no symbolism of destruction as the rain slid down the edges of that perfect day. Although I was distracted by my previous stepping stone crush to my right, when she began walking down the aisle, I missed the boy that loves me most. Missing someone and picturing yourself walking to them towards a lifetime commitment are two very different things. I looked up and saw an intriguing face. I wondered who he was thinking of. 

I had just turned 25 and was amidst flipping my world around. My move to Colorado was planned for 3 months down the road and that’s where he was. My plans held nothing more than curiosity which soon blossomed into thirst. I wanted to know more. I wanted to experience more. I told him to drive safe on his way home. 

I didn’t cry when my wheels started turning away from the Midwest. I knew this was right and that I just needed to be patient to find what I was looking for. That night, he seemed like what I was looking for for a very long time. 

I began writing today because I wanted to remember every detail. Now I’m not so sure. Those of us that dive in head first and chase butterflies know when a heartbreak is inevitable but the dreamer in us that sat on the edge of the ocean when she turned 21 keeps staring at the water because it’s the only thing that seems consistent. It’s the only thing that never fails. Back then we would climb up that lifeguard haven of ours and he would say he didn’t want to think about tomorrow and he didn’t know if I’d be on the next page when he decided to turn it. I said, “tonight. I will only let one tear fall because this world is big and here on South Beach we seem small.” We drove back two months later and today that boy would fill his entire book with my love if I’d allow it. 

However, love is a thrilling and hallowing feature of life that I am still working out.  None of us want to promote hurt onto someone we love, but none of us want to take off with a one way ticket when we turn 30 with a note taped to our fiancés kitchen table either. We must run in the direction of those that make us shine. When we leap into the arms of someone that is unwilling to catch us, then we must embrace the qualities that make us glow on our own. These are the times that promote growth and these are the times that make the most sense when suddenly, on your journey back to your ocean, you are offered a hand. And together, you run.